Engagement Advice
So yesterday I found myself giving marriage (really engagement ) advice to someone. It should be said that I give advice on plenty of things that I am not an expert at. For example, I love to give advice on how to raise children despite not even being a father.
The person I was speaking with will be engaged for 3 years before she gets married. I believe that is way too long. To me, if you aren't excited to get married, why do it? Marriage is a choice, not a destination (perhaps a future post coming on that topic-- just for Shanna). People say they have to plan and get ready. I can promise you that you don't need three years; therefore, I assume that someone else is going on. There has to be a suspicion in your mind causing you to put things off that long.
Next, she said that she and her fiancee aren't going to have a combined checking account when they get married (in two years). This sets me off. You aren't roommates. You are husband and wife (or whatever combination you want). When you get married you are agreeing to be more than roommates, more than boyfriend girlfriend. You are agreeing to one life. This includes one checking account and one financial system. Katie and I differ a little on economic/financial approaches, but we still are taking the steps to get everything into one account. Like I told the student, if you cannot share a checking account how on earth do you plan on sharing a marriage?
This brings me to my point. I don't think enough couples plan a marriage, they focus more on planning weddings and honeymoons. Marriage is hard. Don't run and assume that I am saying that Katie and I are having problems, not true at all. But anyone who is married will acknowledge that marriage isn't easy. So when couples are engaged, you have to think past the wedding day. Think past the honeymoon. What is the financial plan? What happens when someone is sick? You are married now, things are going to be different.
This is true even when you live together ahead of time (a concept I am still very torn on). Things change when you are married regardless. So if you are engaged, or thinking of becoming engaged, you need to have those tough conversations that might seem extremely uncomfortable. No, not just sex. Things like finances, employment, in-laws, and other issues can be just as touchy.
The person I was speaking with will be engaged for 3 years before she gets married. I believe that is way too long. To me, if you aren't excited to get married, why do it? Marriage is a choice, not a destination (perhaps a future post coming on that topic-- just for Shanna). People say they have to plan and get ready. I can promise you that you don't need three years; therefore, I assume that someone else is going on. There has to be a suspicion in your mind causing you to put things off that long.
Next, she said that she and her fiancee aren't going to have a combined checking account when they get married (in two years). This sets me off. You aren't roommates. You are husband and wife (or whatever combination you want). When you get married you are agreeing to be more than roommates, more than boyfriend girlfriend. You are agreeing to one life. This includes one checking account and one financial system. Katie and I differ a little on economic/financial approaches, but we still are taking the steps to get everything into one account. Like I told the student, if you cannot share a checking account how on earth do you plan on sharing a marriage?
This brings me to my point. I don't think enough couples plan a marriage, they focus more on planning weddings and honeymoons. Marriage is hard. Don't run and assume that I am saying that Katie and I are having problems, not true at all. But anyone who is married will acknowledge that marriage isn't easy. So when couples are engaged, you have to think past the wedding day. Think past the honeymoon. What is the financial plan? What happens when someone is sick? You are married now, things are going to be different.
This is true even when you live together ahead of time (a concept I am still very torn on). Things change when you are married regardless. So if you are engaged, or thinking of becoming engaged, you need to have those tough conversations that might seem extremely uncomfortable. No, not just sex. Things like finances, employment, in-laws, and other issues can be just as touchy.
Labels: marriage
posted by Phillip @ Wednesday, August 12, 2009
1 Comments:
At 1:20 PM ,
stcooper said...
i love the future post - just for me. haha.
while i can't say i disagree on the combined account, i do think it is important to maintain some type of financial autonomy. some type of spending account that is for one of the people and just for them. for example, my mum and her husband have a joint account where a majority of their finances go. at the same time, they both maintain a separate personal account that is for things that they would like to do/have/etc. just for themselves.
if ALL of my finances were combined, i feel that i would almost need permission (for lack of a better way to put it) to go out and purchase coffee, or something. seeing as my partner doesn't drink coffee, i can't justify using "our" money for something solely for "me". maybe coffee isn't a good example. perhaps a new pair of shoes. or a new golf club. or a gift for his birthday (using "my" money would mean it's from me, rather than using "our" money... who's it from then?).
again, not disagreeing, necessarily, with the joint financial account. certainly not disagreeing in any form in regards to at least discussion those types of things, just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.
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