Life as a resident's spouse

Being married to Katie is amazing, being married to a doctor during her residency is terrible.

Recently I posted on facebook that I missed my wife, and a friend I have barely spoken to since High School turned me towards this documentary about doctors called Doctor's Diaries. I think this is an amazing portrayal of Katie's (and hence mine to a point) world and I highly encourage everyone to watch it. I enjoyed it because it lets me know that her emotions aren't just her, that most doctors (and those in training) feel that way as well. I also liked when they interviewed the spouses of the doctors to let me feel that I am not insane. Anyway, here are some my observations of being married (and engaged) to a resident pediatrician.

You Will Not Get Sympathy

First, no one will ever feel sorry for you. Doctors are doctors. We mostly assume they are too smart, too rich, and too whatever else for us. We tend to not feel as bad for people when they are compensated handsomely for something. This makes it terribly hard (I imagine both on the doctors and their family) to talk about the subject because unless you are in the 'world' few people truly understand, although most don't think our situation is that different from their own. The old saying 'walk a mile in my shoes' really fits here, and is especially true when I am talking with Katie. I have no clue what she goes through on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. Often I try to compare her situation to mine, but after watching Doctor's Diary's I relearned that her life truly is remarkably different.

The differences are more than just the scheduling demands. The pressure and stress cannot even be comparable, although we all feel we work a lot, have a lot of stress, and are under pressure at work. Doctors, although no better than you, are probably under more.

The Look

Second, you are always going to get that look. The look I am describing is the look people give one or both of us when they find out that Katie is a doctor. We are to the point now that we try to avoid telling people that Katie is a doctor to avoid that look (typically one arched eyebrow followed by a tilting backwards of the head) where you can tell the person is thinking "ah, you are a doctor," or "ah, you are married to a doctor." A perfect example is when we went to Associated Bank to create our 'married' checking account. The man moving our funds around was making small talk and asked us what we did. Katie, as our typical unspoken policy, said that she worked at Children's Hospital, but never said what she did there. This usually works, but this man then asked what she did there, so the cat was out of the bag there (and then he gave us the look that we both had a good laugh about later). This look is especially true (at least in my mind) because I am the male and not the doctor (not that I care). Some of my male friends give me that look which I take to mean "you hit the jackpot." I love my wife, and she is like hitting the jackpot, but not because she is a doctor. Let me tell you this, no one would go through this if you were not deeply and truly committed to the relationship.

Life Does Not Get Easier

Third, it gets harder before it gets easier. I thought that medical school was hard to support Katie through, but that is NOTHING compared to her intern year (she just started her second year of residency). Katie rarely has time for herself (including to sleep), let alone for us. For example, last week I was up north for a few days fishing and would get up around 5:30am. Typically I would then need a nap (or at least want one) later in the afternoon. Katie gets up at 5am, and she is fully functional for at least 16 hours, and sometimes more than 32 hours (when she is on call). She functions well on little sleep, but there is no doubt that she is pooped when she comes home so that even when she is home she left most of her energy at the hospital.

This demand on her and her time makes things difficult on those around us, although I am not sure that they always even know it. She gets four days off a month. We struggle greatly with figuring out what to do on those four days. Yesterday was a perfect example. It was the Forth of July and we had a few sets of people that were kind enough to invite us over to celebrate, but Katie wanted to just stick around the house and get her life in order since it was her first day off in over two weeks. I am sure people are upset at us for that, and we never look for sympathy, but that is just the way things are sometimes. Getting our friends and family to understand that is very difficult. Joe is probably the best at understanding because he lived with us for a year and understands how difficult it can be. Maybe that is why so many doctors are friends with other doctors, and doctors seemed to be married to other doctors-- they understand.

Conclusion

I write this not to complain, beg for sympathy, or any other ulterior motive. I have learned that won't happen, and I get that. We are truly blessed to have what we have. Katie has abilities most people would love to have (remember that she has worked her tail end off to get where she is). I am not sure why I am even writing this. I guess it is because yesterday we didn't go to my brother's for the fourth (and his birthday). We don't like to miss those things. Granted, there are probably times where we could abuse Katie's demands to get out of going to things we don't want to, but we don't do that (at least we haven't yet).

We appreciate and love our friends and family. We have been supported by many, and people are very patient with us. Just wanted to let people into the world of a resident physician, and their lonely spouse (she is on call tonight so I will see her when I get home tomorrow at 8pm). Perhaps most important is trying to explain that our life is different, while not making people feel like we think our life is more important or better. Everyone has issues and obstacles and no one gets to do what they want, I get that. Just trying to explain what we are working with here.